Making friends isn’t supposed to be complicated—but for many adults, it can feel like climbing a mountain in flip-flops. You want connection, laughter, shared experiences, and someone to call when life throws curveballs. So why does finding a genuine friend sometimes feel nearly impossible? According to author and motivational speaker Mel Robbins, the difficulty of making friends often comes down to three crucial factors: proximity, timing, and energy.

Proximity: You Can’t Bond from a Distance

When we’re younger—whether in school, sports, or clubs—we’re constantly surrounded by the same people. This repeated exposure, or “proximity,” naturally fosters connection. You see your classmates every day. You hang out with teammates during and after practice. Friendships grow almost by default.

As adults, we lose that built-in closeness. We commute solo, work in cubicles or from home, and shop with earbuds in. Even if you meet someone interesting, the interaction is often fleeting. Without consistent proximity, it’s hard for relationships to deepen. You may hit it off with someone at the gym or in your neighborhood, but if you only see them once a week (or once a month), there’s little chance for natural friendship to form.

This is why Robbins emphasizes “doing life together”—friendships tend to grow when you’re repeatedly in the same place as someone. Without proximity, maintaining connection requires much more intentional effort.

Timing: Friendship Needs Alignment

Another roadblock? Timing. Life stages don’t always align, and that can create barriers. One person might be raising toddlers while another is launching a startup or caring for elderly parents. Even with similar interests, differing life circumstances can make scheduling feel impossible.

Mel Robbins notes that even if two people are willing to be friends, if their availability doesn’t match up—or if one person is going through a particularly chaotic time—efforts may fizzle out. Friendship takes time to build, and if both parties aren’t in a season where they can consistently invest, things won’t stick.

Friendship isn’t just about shared values or hobbies—it’s about whether two people have enough overlapping time and availability to nurture something real.

Energy: Emotional Bandwidth Is Limited

Lastly, there’s the issue of energy. Adult life is demanding. Between work, family, and personal responsibilities, emotional energy is often in short supply. Even when you want to connect, you may simply not have the mental or emotional bandwidth to do so.

Robbins points out that energy isn’t just about time; it’s about what you have to give. After a long day, many people would rather collapse on the couch than initiate a social event or meet someone new. The result? We opt for convenience over connection—and slowly, loneliness creeps in.

Making friends requires vulnerability, consistency, and follow-through—all of which require energy. Without enough of it, even well-intentioned friendships stall.

So What Can You Do?

If you want to make new friends, start by being aware of these three elements. Create proximity by joining regular groups or activities. Look for timing matches—people whose schedules and seasons align with yours. And be honest about your energy—can you realistically commit to building something meaningful?

Friendship isn’t impossible—but it does require strategy, patience, and a little self-awareness. Understanding proximity, timing, and energy is the first step to turning casual acquaintances into lasting connections.